I have several people in my life that give me so much support. Quite frankly without them I’d be lost, alone and defeated. The things we need to remember about life are: 1- It’s a team sport, and 2- not one single person gets out alive. That being said, it’s the journey that counts. Sometimes after being dealt a shit hand at the life poker table, it’s hard to see where the jackpot is.
I get it. The tendency is to ask the why me questions. It’s a valid question because we’re raised (hopefully) to believe in consequences for our actions. The natural course is to examine every single little thing and wonder… was this my fault?
The next tendency is the comparison. Well, (fill in the name) was a smoker, drinker, druggie…. why me and not them? Even if it’s a true assessment, it’s not a fair assessment. To yourself. There are so many factors that make us all so individual, so much that you can’t even compare my MS to yours.
All in all, it doesn’t really matter who’s fault, what gene was triggered, what genetics or unfortunate circumstances caused it. Here we are. Now we have to deal with it. Accepting your situation without losing hope is a teetering balance on a tightrope. Error to either side dumps you into that big dark black pit of desparate loneliness, sadness and depression.
So how does one accomplish this utter serenity and acceptance of a heap of steaming medical bullshit that was dumped in your lap? The truth is, some days I have it all figured out and other days I’m dangling from a ledge by a toenail. I don’t have “the answer” I only have MY answer.
I do things that make me feel happy and fulfilled. They aren’t the same things I used to do. I suppose some of them are, I just have more time to focus on because I have less distractions. Like cooking and cleaning, for the most part, they’ve been out the window for awhile. It shocks me how much i miss them. My kids will no longer let me play with knives. Apparently it makes them very nervous. What a role reversal! I have more time to focus on other things that you’d never consider work. For example, walking.
Other than that I do draw, with an iPad and electronic pencil. I love the undo function when my hand jerks or I just don’t like it. A friend told me I should be including these here, so I suppose I shall. I read a lot, watch movies, or plot ways to torture my PTs. After all, its only fair, I know they plot ways to torture me, and get paid for it. Mostly I had to simplify my expectations on what my life will be. I was never big into partying or clubs to begin with so that definitely works in my favor. I was always a homebody but now i have better excuses.
I guess the best advice I could give would be this, accept the changes, the longer you fight the things you can’t control, the more energy you waste. Get up. Every time. It’s ok to fall, but get back up. Don’t quit. And lastly, just laugh. Whenever you can. Laugh at yourself when your body does something weird and hopefully not painful. Laugh at every stinking thing you can find a smile in. You can be dealt some bad things in life. There’s always dark in the light and light in the dark. You just have to find it.
So here’s to the new year, I don’t really do resolutions very well. I usually just hope that this year is better than the last. I hope my kids are healthy and happy. I hope for a home, and peace of mind. Mostly I hope that this is the year they find the cure. Hope endures.